Sing

Regulation, replaying inside my mind,
just like that night you let out a soft sigh,
crushed the bones in my hand and sent me away,
I saw the grin that was printed upon your face,
like a postcard for destruction,
watch me walk into the flames,
go ahead and incinerate, im to blame,
the cliff drop is long and slow,
waiting to hit the bottom of the destructive floor,
nose is burning and my throat is sore,
head is spinning wanting more,
you cant leave me like this,
you've done too much damage,
make me forget what its like to be content,
the crowd gathers round to watch me sink,
and if we really do part into two,
what will be left of me without you,
liquor cabinet leaves me plastered to the floor,
look out the window and what do you see,
a small bird that knows how to sing,
thoughts now racing wanting to understand,
how such a thing could know it all,
take me to a place where white walls surround,
let me scream and not make a sound,

burn it down

And when it all comes crashing down.. who will be there to catch you?
yourself that's who. so keep your arms straight out and your hands flat so you have the power to push yourself back up to your feet.

higher and higher and higher

Im so unsure with myself.

I feel like sleep medication,

Locked an sealed in a small blue capsule .

Taking myself out of reality and into my own mind

I used to get freaked about the thoughts that rambled in my head.

I would often think i was the only one  that could hear constant chatter.

And be ashamed to tell people.

But i suppose its not as different as i think it is.

If we didn't have an inner voice how could we think before we just stated blurting out words, right?

Pick Up. Shut Up

I need some new faces, new jokes, new events. A one way ticket out'a here.

just go

I was talking with my brother tonight.

About just leaving.

Getting up and going to the first place that came to mind.

Start all over,

Clean slate

I think the first thing i'd do would be to delete my facebook, myspace & twitter.

BAM! i just erased ten thousand  people that i dont even know or care to know out of my life.

Second i would change my cell number.

If you think about it, how many people do you think has your number?

I would guess its alot.

I really only need my family and a handful of good friends.

I could actually feel the weight of my shoulders. 

i want to leave.

I want to "Just go",

What if i told you there is a ticket you can buy to start a new life.

Would you buy it?

Everyone peregrinates in there life.

Lately ive been seeing things in a whole new perspective.

I feel like if you stay in your home town after high school you get stuck here.

All there faces stay the same,

With they're fake smiles and hollow eyes.

Zombies trapped to this life.

Paint a smile, Ill stay awhile.

I'ts all mixed with indecision 

Whats the story you choose to hide.

Whats the secret your leaving behind?

I always seem to do this.

Pry at the unknown.

But you cant not be honest with the one you choose to hold.

I'm not here to hear excuses.

I'm tired of the dragging sound of feet on pavement.

No more procrastinating.

Spill it.

And nothing can go right with me it must be that I've been smoking too long.

What hollow eye's you have, The better to hide this emotionless drag.

'They say i look just like her,
They can hear her in my laugh.'
     "You have the prettiest eyes just like your mothers"
     "There so bright, Would you look at that!"       


'But when i look in the mirror ,
I can't stand the reflection staring back.
I get chills of the thought of you staring back.

And as i look at myself,
Your slowly shining through
Cause your eyes are my eyes
They make me see the real you.

I just wish you could realize i see all your lies,
And as the thought of you run's through my mind. 
i get sick to my stomach because i cant leave you behind. 


Ive been caught in the rain one to many times,
Watched you destroy everyhting that got in your way,
To just get up and leave the pieces behind,
Ive seen you shatter so many life's.
With not an oz of sympathy to cross your mind.
 
Your eyes are my eyes
And they've seen how you manipulated your way through life.
But im trying my hardest to keep you hidden underneath,
Ill learn from your mistakes.
And not have them haunt my days.


Your a monster.

Blue sky's, Tired eye's

I'm flouting on cloud nine,
My head is in the sky,
As we slip into a dreamless slumber, 
I can feel a steady heart beat on mine.

"What is the point, lover?"

Let's see what we can uncover!
I feel that everything is finally coming together.

Confession four hundred fifty seven

I have a sick twisted desire to be a world wide drug pusher.

congratulations your first hate mail

"i found service i went the extra mile to get it. So you go the last one to talk to me about it."
I wear thick armor and i wont break.
I have no problem walking the other way,
With my finger in the air,
Ill show not one oz of remorse.

Ill up one you,
Ive learned from the best.
Believe me when i said,
You didn't get nearly as far under my skin...
As you wish you did.
And i hope it echos through your head.
When i tell you i dont need you.
Like a beat you just cant shake.
As you watch this break.


Ive been through it.
Knocked six feet under,
Just to be resuscitated.
Over and over i'd pick myself up,
Just to be knocked down again.

Im tired of the fall,
Sick of the rocks that await at the bottom,
Ill get chairs and ill stack them,
Climb up and arise,
Watch me,
As i leave you behind.

Shutter shades.

ill wear hollow eyes,
just to hide what im feeling inside,
complication,
frustration,
confutation,
misunderstood,
overwhelmed,
abandon,
shameful,
lost.

Its easier to breath then believe.

NOTE:  This is very old originally written February 06, 2010


As i recall  i didn't write this story.
And well you never did walk a mile in the freezing cold,
Just to prove a point.

If it was all for nothing.
Answer this last question.
Why would you keep in touch?
Year after year,
Month after month?

And if this is the let down,
Ill let you down easy.
I was never the person to fight,
Always so nice,
Always so nice.

But I can't let them win this fight,
As If nothing you felt you didn't feel was right.
And yes I'll admit it,
It kills me.
I'll stand on a chair,
As i scream it in your face,
As if its all going to change.

But it wont bring me down,
I wont have it  bring me down.
I'll hold my head up high,
And let you fade out.

I just wish i saw it coming,
But whats the fun in that?
You knew exactly how to do it.
And i got played with a standing ovation.
Listen to them clap.

I cant believe i fell for such a corny line.
But when your icy blues would meet mine,
My heart would dance.
There was so much rhythm.
So much chance,

But ever song comes to an end,
And you see straight inside.
There's lies in your eye's,
How could I have been that blind?

Fall.

Everything's moving at a steady beat.

I hate my face, I hate this place,and I'm stung out again

On the good days, I feel like I get it, like it all makes sense. I can stay in the moment, I don't have to control everything in the future, and I believe everything is going to work out fine. On the bad days I just wanna grab the phone and start dialing numbers. I want to pull my hair and run through the streets screaming.

 

Eyes can only tell so many lies... I must have died this time

I at lest get five people a day tell me how beautiful my eyes are.

Blue eyed beauty  you shouldn't cry,

I wish i could dry your eyes...

Your to pretty to cry.

Sometimes i wonder if these people are blind,

I've never seen more sadness behind a set of eyes.

I live behind this fake smile

Sometimes i surprise myself on how happy i can act.

Ive lost every emotion... knocked down with every oz of strength i had.

I feel it in the depths of my stomach, 

These butter flys sink like stone.

And now im pondering why i choose to stay in the cold.

My eyes are the darkest blue ive ever laid eyes on.

So push her smile on me like a drug pusher lending you that first taste of addiction,

My eyes tended the light at the end of a pipe dream through rose colored glasses.

You really shouldn't drink so much sun, burning never was one of your strong points.

Lets make a difference.

My heart is racing and I'm not sure why or how its holding such an intense rhythm.
I'm confused but quite aware of this feeling.
Scattered but put together.
Nervous but I'm managing to keep perfectly calm.


This beat is growing louder
As it thumps in the back of my head, Down to the brim of the bottom of my stomach.
Whats happening to me?


I feel the sudden erg to drop the world at my feet.
And watch as it crashes to the floor.
Just to put the necessary pieces back in play.
There's no turning back now, The effects have already takin its course.
Im riding it out and see where this winding trail takes me.


I'm to good to sit solitary, alone, hidden from..
what i could be, what I'm going to make my self to be.






"Ive known you a long time jess, and you've always seen yourself smaller then you actually are"


"You have alot to offer to this world, With your bright eyes and your shining smile. Your going to make something of yourself"


"Dont let anyone hold you down, dont let anyone tell you you cant do it, Cause you can do it. And you will do it"


"Your to good for this town"

DM.

We don't have to keep any ties, Save all of your hollow lies.

Yeasayer - Tightrope.

Oh, give it, give it, give it, give it, give it
Until you just can't give no more

I dont mean to be a tease, But i like when you say please

chg

When you say jump you know im the first one there.

ill hold your hand tighter,

I refused to let it go.

I feel you slipping between my fingers,

Please dont let go.

Hold on a little tighter,

Help me break this wall,

And i promise to be there when it falls.

I hope you know i would never cross the line.

But this line has grown fine,

And i wont sit back to have it all fall apart,

I will NOT sit back while this life rips you apart.

Up all night, got demons to fight.

I do a lot of things I'm not suppose to.

One of those things are you.

Dont trust me.

People with masks should not be trusted.
I am always wearing one so please do not trust me.
I am a horrible human.
I enjoy hurting and putting down ever person that gets to close...

But in reality, deep down i am just a simple girl who wants to be loved.

Let go, Lets go.

  People seem to be leaving my life just as fast as they come into it. I'm known to hold on to what i have and refuse to let go.. At times i find it makes me a vulnerable individual but I'm the kinda person that doesn't give up. If see the good in someone once it will always shine through.. No Matter how rough things get.
  Everyone seems rather boring now a days. i can't seem to find someone that keeps me on my toes. I'd just like to get to know someone who is up for anything, who loves doing ridiculous things and is completely unpredictable. I'd like to meet someone who can teach me things that i never thought i could learn. Show me the world from a new perspective. Be a complete goof ball with me. Create something remarkable with me. 
  I need to be taken away from here and see new things, meet new faces. laugh at new jokes. But I'm afraid to leave behind everything i've grown to love and know. I wish i could take a little part of my past were ever find myself to be, i know that sounds silly, i mean thats what photo's, journals, video's ect are for... But really i want to take a piece of my youth and keep it.. i dont want to grow up.

drowned

I've been finding happiness in drug and alcohol  abuse. what a shame. what a poor excuse of a person.

I walked a fine line to get a straight mind.

But that line was to thin to walk on.

I fell overboard.

I hate feeling alone in a room full of people.

"And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways"


Just go with it and breathe.
It is all going to be okay...

I like how loud the silence is.
I have constant chatter in my head,
Does that make me crazy?..


My dreams lately have been a check list.
A list with goals, dreams and responsibility's ive been putting off.
I'm afraid to grow up.
I don't want to do it wrong. ..

- Charles Bukowski

"I was drawn to all the wrong things: I liked to drink, I was lazy, I didn't have a god, politics, ideas, ideals. I was settled into nothingness; a kind of non-being, and I accepted it. I didn't make for an interesting person. I didn't want to be interesting, it was too hard. What I really wanted was only a soft, hazy space to live in, and to be left alone."
- Charles Bukowski

VOODOO GIRL

She knows she has a curse on her,

Acurse she cannot win.
For if someone gets too close to her,

The pins stick farther in.

- Tim Burton

Six feet under.

harsh hearts.

These are just unsteady thoughts that float around in my head.

Roller coaster emotions,

Thoughts that pass so fast its hard to believe i feel them. 

If you were to come across this please don't take it the wrong way.

This is why i dont share what i write down in books.

My thoughts are changing everyday.

Never a steady decision.

I'm surprised I'm not traumatized by the thoughts my brain develops.

If I was a pirate, I'd sink your ship

say it,

tell me,

be honest.

it all points back to one answer.

But  i rather lie

And avoid the eyes of a lair.

And how you've grown so bitter.

I'll close this door,

Lock it,

And swallow the key.

Let it sink to the bottom of this black sea.

Digest what just happen.

Take a breath

Lets breathe.

i don't want this

i don't want this.

i don't want a you and me.

How am i suppose to breathe, when your holding me underwater

ive lost all sense of who i am
and there is only one person that can find it
i have loved and lost and lost and lost and lost
i am a tearjerker
the one that believes in all those romantic stories
but they never happen to me
the person that tries to live her dreams
but lives in a shell
thats too small for her backbone
i break my bones so i can keep my heart safe
but somehow those hinges have become loose too
i need that stitch, i need that fever
i need someone to save me
i am the only one who knows who that is
its me 

Lets play a game.

this is embarrassing,

i dont even like you.

so why do i still insist on thinking there's more to you?

there isn't

your so sallow i can see right through you.

so weak your screams echo...

Even through silence.

you dont have to speak.

i can see it...

see it in the way you look at me.

at her.

the other one

this one

which one?

that one?

jezz how the hell can you remember their names.

i would be so lost in this game.

It no surprised your going insane,

and this is why you hide from your pain

behind a bottle.

to ashamed to build back the bridges you've burned.

to afraid to face your own battles.

kick me in the stomach to knock the wind out of me once again.

But your the same person to help me to my feet.

stand  up your okay.

were okay.

But im sick of being a pawn in your game.

contently being moved around where you want me.

like im tied to a string.

jokes on me,

once again 

I should take my own advice.

Listen to what i preach.

But i like to build myself up for a fall.

How much higher can we get this wall?

Jump,

Jump,

Jump,

Jump.

Im fucking climbing!

Until it all comes crashing down.

But wait hurry lets put her back together.

just to let her know im here.

You'll always be here locked in my brain

And believe me i can feel the pain.

Your brain freeze in 100 degree weather.

Someone please get me a sweater.

Before i get as cold as you are.

Wrap me up and keep me warm.

Get me out of this snow storm!!

Im tired of the bitterness and being unsure.

Im living in the past i cant believe im back where i started.

it happened so fast.

But who was thinking.

Most the time it was just fun. 

It only starts to pour..

when you decide to run. 

I dont think you can handle my honesty.

Because its not honest at all.

Everyday im faced with a new out look on how im going to knock down my wall.

Just to face another fall.

Why?

Always asking why?

Ive made a list.. wanna see it?

Im sorry.

I love you.

Good bye.

Why.

I call it my bullshit list cause that's all it is..

Nothing but empty words.

meaningless.

Why? Well i'll say goodbye because I love you... Im sorry.

Underwater.

I don't know how to be honest,
And I'm not sure how to spill my guts.

I'm afraid of what i might say because at this point im not sure about us. 

There's to may thoughts piled,
Its hard to get through to them all.
Ive drawn a blank,
stopped in my tracks by this brick wall.
But i find myself here willing to give it a go.

The hate and disrespect is making me forget the really you...

I don't know where to start because there's to many beginnings and ends.
And they all point back to you. 

What do i say at this point to make it sound like im only here as your friend?

Im not..

we can never be just friends.

We've proven that to each other to many times to count. 

But we still insist on walking on these dead grounds.

[But its whatever right, that's all i ever get.
Shut your face...
Don't talk.
Im never going to change.]
I cant believe im back where i started,Why am i here?
And why is this fear taking over me.
Its all so unclear!
 

And all we do is bring drama along with us until we reach the end..

But is it the end?

Can we say goodbye?

I'm so sick of asking myself why...

So tired of all the lies.

I cant handle the frustration...of wondering whats next.

Or having you hit on ever single one of my friends.

I'm done its making me sick in my head,

I cant control the feelings i feel when I'm lying in your bed.
And all i hear is your heart beat pounding in my head.

The rush i get in the deepest part of my chest.

Its like a hole.

Ill tell myself i don't love you,
Mask it from with fear and bitterness.
Its a front and you know it.
But do you want to know it?

I refuse to say it out loud.

So ill keep it locked away and never let it slip out.

Its easier to try and convince myself its not true.

But you can only run from your feelings for so long...

until they creep back up to you.

I'm scared.

I'm scared to let go.
Scared to hold on.

Scared to say no.

I don't want to leave something behind that i already know...

I'm shacking.

Fucking shacking in my bones.
Its 100 digress in my room but you would think i was standing in snow. 

I cant believe I'm actually saying this right now.

But my fingers just want to go.

There's no turning back
Life's written in pen

No regrets right.

then why do i feel this guilt in my stomach.

It feels like a knife...

Its making me sick.

Vomiting just to have the slightest sense of control.

To feel  something more then a fucking black hole.

But it just makes it deeper.

I'm an empty pit.

Nothing left to walk on

I don't exist.

Whats perfection anyway?

.

Goodbye just made the I"m sorry and I love you list..

I'll say goodbye because I love you... Im sorry
But those eyes.
Make it hard to say goodbye

Laura Marling - Goodbye England Christmas Single Full Version

Cotton candy skies.

Oops.

This blog is private.

... To bad.

You would have enjoyed it.

October 22, 2006

Lights out it all goes black,
Perfect world begins to crash.
Lies pouring from your mouth,
One after another no truth to be found
Silly little wants and needs
Blocking your own view.
Its just so hard for you to see your only doing this for you.

Moving from house to house.
Meeting your new friend.
Having no place to call home in the end.
Dearest mother don't you see.
My world seems to be crashing down on me.
Your silly little wants and needs
Blocking your own view.
I hope you didn't forget..
Its not all about you.

every line is about who i dont want to write about anymore.

It's time to get outta here

gulty.

I'm low,
I've never been this low,
Where i can actually see rock bottom.

I've got one last sip,
And it will all start to slip,
One last sip until it all starts to slip.

I've always looked down on the people that put them self here.
But now i see why,
Its nice...
To feel nothing,
To say anything,
Not give a fuck...
About everything.

I've made a web,
And its become the most tangled out of all the webs ive weaved.
Cut the ties,
Cut'em.


I had one last sip,
Then it  all started to slip.
One last sip until it all started to slip.

i wish i could write, draw, make something.
my heads to tangled

Teenagers.

Every year on my birthday i write about how it feels to turn a new age.

Its not even my birthday yet and i feel like ive already started a new year.

 My first ladies, Wifey, Cc, Woman, Booboo, D, Pintch, Beef,Ash, Neen, Shan.


The summer me and my sisters were all together.
Crystals graduation party. 
Five dollar hill.
The rope swing.
Cutting class.
Old rusty.
September 16, 2007.
Summer crushes.
Late night sneak in's, just to have someone to fall asleep next to.
Crankin Cig's.
Sneaking out to drink coffee at 2 in the morning at the TA.
Football games.
CCC trips " i feel like im at a Halloween party, everyone's wearing a mask."
Underage drinking. (Reallllly underage drinking)
Swinging on the swings.
The pool house.
The dugout.
Sunflower field. 
"You bring out the stupid in me.":]
You + me + two more = haha
The train tracks.
Delaware river.
I feel like im in a space ship! 
Being mermaids.
Best friends.
L rides 'All we would listen to is bone thugs'.And rideee<3
Detention buddies.
The smoke out behind the school.
The hill/ rock. 
Ag/Green house + Cooking class = high five!. 
 Chinese food for breakfast 
Walking miles for captain crunch.
the moose loge 
The tressels. 
Quadruple Jay's
Blue Mt lake. 
Bonfires at neils.
Rumpllpimps! [rumplemintz]
Obsessions shows.  
Sherman theater. 
Croc shows
My chemical romance concert.
November 25, 2007.
Perkins.
Parties in the Poconos.
Vacation in Virgina. 
Seaside. 
Rolling to the doors.
The shore condo. 
Dont wine, jim and jack are coming with marry ;]
Our PIMP'et glasses.
The over look. "were as normal as two crazy people get."
Getting lost in cornfields.
Back when we were hoodrat's.
The trail.
Barneyyyy<3
Foot prints in the snow.
The old crew. 2002 Best summer ever!!
Going to California: led zep.
"Were best friends, closer then spongebob and patrick!"
Our country boy'sss! 
The bronco.
Snowmobiling.
Fishing.
Cook rd meetings at 12am.
Screw drivers and black eyes.
Staying up all night. 
Looking at the stars out of the moonroof of my passat.
Penwall.
The old school Htown crew.
Cowboy killers.
Did that angel just wink at me?!
Getting "grounded"
Jessica!! where's my vodka! haha
December 20, 2008
The jettys.
Are there bears here? "yeah jessie seabears" ;]
Air horns.
King frog.
Bad company.
Crystal's old room. 
"You can't call me but you can txt me." 
Dub love.
Up state new york. "Do you feel it? "Yeah it feels like home"<33
Sunrise Mt.
I really like your peaches wanna shack your tree.
Perk up your life a little.
"Smile kid that's all ya can do."
Falling in love.
Moving on.

Ice skating on white lake with you.

Making wishes in the lake of truth with you. 

Going on just a chance with you, heads or tails?

Sitting and looking at the stars with you.

Sings in the bronco with you. 

Keeping it real with you. 

Cuddling with you.

Confession one hundred twenty two

I continue to let people walk all over me, because I'm afraid to let go of something i once found happiness in.

You can be my best fucking friend.

Machines are made to be in factories.

you can be my best fucking friend.

Machines are made to be in factories.
I like to see a little effort here and there.

.

Daydream Nightmares

I really need to get on with it! 
What am i waiting for!

Its all so tangled!
Everything is connected into one and i feel like theres no way of getting out of it.
How do i cut the ties?

I know when i do decide to cut one...
There all going to fall into my lap and like i said before im not ready to go back to the beginning.

Ive come to far to start all over again...

I feel my stomach in knots.

I cant eat... not even when im hungry.

Teres to many emotions piled up..

Its gotten to the point where i already feel full.

I need to sleep, really sleep.

I want to dream about a place away from it all..

And just feel the serenity hit me.

Happiness isnt to far from where i lay.
I'm starting to drift.

I wish i didn't have to wake up some days.

static

Currently listening to modest mouse dashboard 
 
I'm cut to the core...
No emotions...
Cant make decisions...
Hesitant to say what i really want to say.


I'm tired of treading water,
Stuck in one spot
with no power to out move forward.
I cant see shore in the distance.
And all the goals i set out.. seem to be fading.

What do you do when its to far to go back to the beginning?


I need some time to catch my breath.
Find somewhere i could rest my head.


I'm sinking to the bottom,
There lies my dreams.
The only place i can feel free.

The thoughts i think consume me.
I'm trapped in my own head.
I cant stop analyzing every little thing.

.

And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no" 

Mumford & Sons : Winter Winds

I'll keep you my dirty little secret.

Confession One:

i always hated calling the shots.

Confession two:
I don't know has been my answer to everything lately.. and i don't know why?

Confession three:

When we were throwing penny's in the lake of truth.. the truth is i never made a wish. I was perfectly satisfied with what i had.

Confession ten:

I used to make fun of you behind your back, And sometimes still do.

Confession eleven:

I feel like I don’t really like most people I hang out with, and if they really knew me rather than the front I put up they wouldn’t like me either. I miss my old friends who I’ve lost touch with.

Confession eighteen:

i think i only wanted him because he is popular and is a man whore. Like being accepted into some kind of club.

Confession nineteen:

I slept with my ex the other night, it was a lot of just drunken, dirty screwing... so why do i feel guilty?

Confession twenty one:

I manipulated her into thinking you were controlling her life... just to be with you again.

Confession twenty three:

I hate half the people i come in contact with each an every day... how sad is that.

Confession twenty nine:

I always knew i'd turn out just like you.

Confession thirty six:

I only continued to talk to you because i liked the attention. i never wanted to be with you.

Confession thirty seven:

I think of ways i could get you back, or at least capture your heart, but i know deep down that i don’t really want it.

Confession forty four:
i wanted to be apart of your future.

Confession fifty:
I put on a front and act stronger then i really am. 


Confession fifty two: 
I like you better when your high.



Confession Fifty three:
Im afraid to die but not to be dead.. i don't want to be forgotten



Confession fifty four:
Even though you were in my life for ten years. After three years of not seeing you.. its hard to look at you the same. 

Confession fifty eight.
I feel like i played a big part into badly influence you and the decisions you made.


Confession sixty one:
Every time I look in the mirror, I’m disgusted. Ive had an eating distorter for the past three years.

Confession sixty five:
Your dream really came true. I really was lost at sea...
  

Confession seventy eight:
I figure if i could remember all there names. then im not a slut. 

Confession seventy nine:

I hate that im a jealous person.

I want to learn how to stop getting attached.

I'm really considering getting a small tattoo on one of my fingers.

Im waiting for.

I’m waiting for the sun raise to hit my face.

For the cool tickilish grass to rub against my leg as i lay in it.
Freedom, happiness, carefree, being in my serenity.
Having always an upbeat break. Nothing will let me down.

I’m waiting for sitting countless hours at the lake.
And  hikes everywhere.
Innumerous car rides to the beach and open fields.
Loads of time and cigarettes will fade with you.

I’m waiting for late nights, early mornings.
Staying up untill the wee hours in the morning with a best friend.
Then the next morning/afternoon we speak of what we did.
And sit in astonishment of the actions we made.
The line, "We’ll never forget this night" will be used a million times.



I can not wait.
Summer, come soon.

Ill fake a smile, But only for a while

Im to weak to post this entry.
But ill talk about my night so i dont waste the space."He who makes a beast out of himself, gets rid of the pain of being a man."

i don’t know what to feel. This petty fight shouldn’t be a big deal, and it isn’t, i could easily apologize, but i feel i did nothing wrong. He came to me, opened up like a book in my lap. But when i go to be there for him even as just a friend, Im invisable. i also know if i apologize, the only answer i’m going to get in return is, ‘okay.’  i feel like its easier for him to be himself when he's staring at a screen. ive decided to delete him, i want to see if i like him as a person... in person. 


"Whatever it is you’re seeking won’t come in the form you’re expecting."

-Metafores are the best advice you could take. People are just to stuborn to listen.

Gal I One

i wish i had a fix it button

emotions are like drugs.
they all effect people in diffrent ways.



im the strongest i can be.
i just wish she could see,
how hard strong can be.


im pretty sure she sees it behind my smile.
its fake,
its sad to say but it hasent been real for quite a while.
I didnt smile when i saw her today.
not a hello.
not a happy mothers day.
nothing.
just a blank face.
watched tv until my brother decided to leave.


Ive decided to cut off the ties.
clear my mind.
of all your lies.


Not a goodbye.
Not an i love you..
Not a smile.


ill be fine.
what doesnt kill you only makes you stronger.

Theres a way out of every maze.

Happy Mothers Day





Bring me back to Septermber 16th 2007.

And I am finally seeing,
Why I was the one worth leaving.

Everythings shades of gray

I over look things until there is nothing left to see
Sometimes if i look at myself long enough in the mirror everything goes black,
It starts from the sides of my eyes and gradually works its way down from my ceiling until there is nothing.

When i was young  i used to close my eyes and focus  on the pitch black until i saw white. 
It amazes me how bright darkness could be.
I wonder what the average person sees when they close there eyes.
Theres so much static in my head lately its been hard to focus,
The white light has faded to more of a shade of gray.
This past week i went around asking people if they heard static when they thought of silence...
Their answer was yes...

ive got a bottle of wine to ease my mind

i wish you'd kiss me out of all the fish in the sea, even when the one you cant see it me. im not keeping anything together because im to busy falling apart on you. your always lying through your teeth, you switch patterns when you breathe. i wont know you more than you know yourself. you gave me butterflies that lived on my insides....

long walks to nowhere.

long talks about nothing.

the feeling you get when you know someone cares about you. 

day dreaming.

car rides.

books about love and lost. 

our hands fitting perfectly into eachothers. 

warm showers. 

latenight phone calls.

tired and sleepless.

falling asleep. 

falling in love.

calm nights.

bond fires. 

songs and smells that remind me of good times in the past. 

standing in long lines at stores just to look through magazines.

Red Lips, Blue Eyes & lil White Lies.

I wish it was easy to just move around and go from place to place. I’m getting so bored of where I live. I don’t feel right being stuck in one awful town every single day. I feel the need to move around and get to see new places. Teleportation please?

I believe that there's hope Buried beneath it all

[This song inspired me, All i see by: Lydia] 

[Cloud nine has never been so high]

I don't know why i am putting this on here.
But right now i don't care.

I know I've made plenty of mistakes,
And I've passed up so many great opportunities.

I need to stop doing that.
I feel like right now is the absolutely best time of my life.
And i need to get rid of those people in my life that are dead weight
And continue to bring me down.

I know everyone goes through this shit,
But i don't give a damn about those other people.
In fact, Whoever reads this shouldn't care unless you know me,
understand me, and/or love me.
I need to clear my life and keep those i feel make a true difference in my life.

I've met some amazing people this past year.
Certain people i really hope i get to know better.
I want those people to know i am so grateful to have met them,
Because without friends,
I honestly don't see a point in even living.

But at the same time there are people I don't want to waste my time with.
I am not the type of person to regret things,
But I have regretted some things..

Over the past year I've felt like I've been over-looking the things i need the most in my life.



I guess the point of this is just to say that right now i feel like I'm heading down the right path.
Even if its not the smooths.
I know where i want to go even if i have to start from the beginning,
And i know who i want to be next to me when i get there,

I know the things I must work on.
The things i must work thriugh
And i will try my best to not be afraid anymore and just go with it.
So I'm okay everybody.
Everything will be okay.

Big Sister

I followed in your foot steps.

You taught me everything i know. 

The one who stood beside me...

You were the one who helped me grow.

But your eyes have grown heavy,

Circles red and dark.

I fear this girl is slowly withering
Hidden beneath secrets kept in the dark.

You used to smile.

You don't seem to be happy much anymore,

I don't mean to pry. 

But i cant stand to see you cry,

And you know im the first one there,
To dry your eyes.

You know i wouldn't cross the line.

But this line has grown fine.

And i wont sit back to have it all fall apart.

I'm not going to watch while this life rips you apart.

Lately you have me worried.

This lifestyle isn't right. 

It just dosen't feel quite right.

You were never one to give up.
Always taking one step forward,
One step further.
You were never one to give in,
Not to anything.

Stand up and fight.
Dont let it take over.
You can get through it....

please i know you can get through it.

And im blue in the face,

But it doesn't seem to change.

Were face to face,
And i still feel miles away.
I'll repeat myself a thousand times,
Just to hope you'll stop being so blind.

Its this wall you built to keep the truth out.

I watch it grow higher while the rest of the world fades out.

And my jumps are growing weaker.
I'm afraid it might be to late.

Content.

You know my style I say any thing to make you smile.

 Im'a sucker for a sweet talker

Play crack the sky.

[Drove 3593534 years to see brand new with julianne & marnie today, it was a fail. But we did make it to see the last song, so it was still worth it<3] 

We sent out the S.O.S. call.
It was a quarter past four, in the morning

When the storm broke our second anchor line.

Four months at sea. Four months of calm seas {only}

To be pounded in the shallows off the tip of Montauk Point.



They call 'em rogues. They travel fast and alone.
One hundred foot faces of God's good ocean gone wrong.

What they call love is a risk,

'Cause you will always get hit

Out of nowhere by some wave

And end up on your own.

 The hole in the hull defied the crew’s attempts,
To bail us out.
And flooded the engines and radio,
And half buried bow.


Your tongue is a rudder.
It steers the whole ship.
Sends your words past your lips
Or keeps them safe behind your teeth.

But the wrong words will strand you.

Come off course while you sleep.

Sweep your boat out to sea

Or dashed to bits on the reef.

The vessel groans

The ocean pressures its frame.

To the port I see the lighthouse

Through the sleet and the rain.

And I wish for one more day to give my
Love and repay debts.
But the morning finds our bodies washed up thirty miles west.

They say that the captain stays fast with the ship,
Through still and storm,
But this ain't the Dakota,

And the water's so cold,

{We} won't have to fight for long.



(This is the end.)

This story's old but it goes on and on until we disappear,

(This is the calm.)
Calm me and let me taste the salt you breathed while you were underneath,
(We are the risen.)

I am the one who haunts your dreams of mountains sunk below the sea,

(After the storm.)

I spoke the words but never gave a thought to what they all could mean,

(Rest in the sea.)
I know that this is what you want, a funeral keeps both of us apart.
(Washed up on the beach.)
You know that you are not alone, I need you like water in my lungs.
[x2]


This is the end.