you can be my best fucking friend.

Machines are made to be in factories.
I like to see a little effort here and there.

.

Daydream Nightmares

I really need to get on with it! 
What am i waiting for!

Its all so tangled!
Everything is connected into one and i feel like theres no way of getting out of it.
How do i cut the ties?

I know when i do decide to cut one...
There all going to fall into my lap and like i said before im not ready to go back to the beginning.

Ive come to far to start all over again...

I feel my stomach in knots.

I cant eat... not even when im hungry.

Teres to many emotions piled up..

Its gotten to the point where i already feel full.

I need to sleep, really sleep.

I want to dream about a place away from it all..

And just feel the serenity hit me.

Happiness isnt to far from where i lay.
I'm starting to drift.

I wish i didn't have to wake up some days.

static

Currently listening to modest mouse dashboard 
 
I'm cut to the core...
No emotions...
Cant make decisions...
Hesitant to say what i really want to say.


I'm tired of treading water,
Stuck in one spot
with no power to out move forward.
I cant see shore in the distance.
And all the goals i set out.. seem to be fading.

What do you do when its to far to go back to the beginning?


I need some time to catch my breath.
Find somewhere i could rest my head.


I'm sinking to the bottom,
There lies my dreams.
The only place i can feel free.

The thoughts i think consume me.
I'm trapped in my own head.
I cant stop analyzing every little thing.

.

And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no" 

Mumford & Sons : Winter Winds

I'll keep you my dirty little secret.

Confession One:

i always hated calling the shots.

Confession two:
I don't know has been my answer to everything lately.. and i don't know why?

Confession three:

When we were throwing penny's in the lake of truth.. the truth is i never made a wish. I was perfectly satisfied with what i had.

Confession ten:

I used to make fun of you behind your back, And sometimes still do.

Confession eleven:

I feel like I don’t really like most people I hang out with, and if they really knew me rather than the front I put up they wouldn’t like me either. I miss my old friends who I’ve lost touch with.

Confession eighteen:

i think i only wanted him because he is popular and is a man whore. Like being accepted into some kind of club.

Confession nineteen:

I slept with my ex the other night, it was a lot of just drunken, dirty screwing... so why do i feel guilty?

Confession twenty one:

I manipulated her into thinking you were controlling her life... just to be with you again.

Confession twenty three:

I hate half the people i come in contact with each an every day... how sad is that.

Confession twenty nine:

I always knew i'd turn out just like you.

Confession thirty six:

I only continued to talk to you because i liked the attention. i never wanted to be with you.

Confession thirty seven:

I think of ways i could get you back, or at least capture your heart, but i know deep down that i don’t really want it.

Confession forty four:
i wanted to be apart of your future.

Confession fifty:
I put on a front and act stronger then i really am. 


Confession fifty two: 
I like you better when your high.



Confession Fifty three:
Im afraid to die but not to be dead.. i don't want to be forgotten



Confession fifty four:
Even though you were in my life for ten years. After three years of not seeing you.. its hard to look at you the same. 

Confession fifty eight.
I feel like i played a big part into badly influence you and the decisions you made.


Confession sixty one:
Every time I look in the mirror, I’m disgusted. Ive had an eating distorter for the past three years.

Confession sixty five:
Your dream really came true. I really was lost at sea...
  

Confession seventy eight:
I figure if i could remember all there names. then im not a slut. 

Confession seventy nine:

I hate that im a jealous person.

I want to learn how to stop getting attached.

I'm really considering getting a small tattoo on one of my fingers.

Im waiting for.

I’m waiting for the sun raise to hit my face.

For the cool tickilish grass to rub against my leg as i lay in it.
Freedom, happiness, carefree, being in my serenity.
Having always an upbeat break. Nothing will let me down.

I’m waiting for sitting countless hours at the lake.
And  hikes everywhere.
Innumerous car rides to the beach and open fields.
Loads of time and cigarettes will fade with you.

I’m waiting for late nights, early mornings.
Staying up untill the wee hours in the morning with a best friend.
Then the next morning/afternoon we speak of what we did.
And sit in astonishment of the actions we made.
The line, "We’ll never forget this night" will be used a million times.



I can not wait.
Summer, come soon.

Ill fake a smile, But only for a while

Im to weak to post this entry.
But ill talk about my night so i dont waste the space."He who makes a beast out of himself, gets rid of the pain of being a man."

i don’t know what to feel. This petty fight shouldn’t be a big deal, and it isn’t, i could easily apologize, but i feel i did nothing wrong. He came to me, opened up like a book in my lap. But when i go to be there for him even as just a friend, Im invisable. i also know if i apologize, the only answer i’m going to get in return is, ‘okay.’  i feel like its easier for him to be himself when he's staring at a screen. ive decided to delete him, i want to see if i like him as a person... in person. 


"Whatever it is you’re seeking won’t come in the form you’re expecting."

-Metafores are the best advice you could take. People are just to stuborn to listen.

Gal I One

i wish i had a fix it button

emotions are like drugs.
they all effect people in diffrent ways.



im the strongest i can be.
i just wish she could see,
how hard strong can be.


im pretty sure she sees it behind my smile.
its fake,
its sad to say but it hasent been real for quite a while.
I didnt smile when i saw her today.
not a hello.
not a happy mothers day.
nothing.
just a blank face.
watched tv until my brother decided to leave.


Ive decided to cut off the ties.
clear my mind.
of all your lies.


Not a goodbye.
Not an i love you..
Not a smile.


ill be fine.
what doesnt kill you only makes you stronger.

Theres a way out of every maze.

Happy Mothers Day





Bring me back to Septermber 16th 2007.

And I am finally seeing,
Why I was the one worth leaving.

Everythings shades of gray

I over look things until there is nothing left to see
Sometimes if i look at myself long enough in the mirror everything goes black,
It starts from the sides of my eyes and gradually works its way down from my ceiling until there is nothing.

When i was young  i used to close my eyes and focus  on the pitch black until i saw white. 
It amazes me how bright darkness could be.
I wonder what the average person sees when they close there eyes.
Theres so much static in my head lately its been hard to focus,
The white light has faded to more of a shade of gray.
This past week i went around asking people if they heard static when they thought of silence...
Their answer was yes...

ive got a bottle of wine to ease my mind

i wish you'd kiss me out of all the fish in the sea, even when the one you cant see it me. im not keeping anything together because im to busy falling apart on you. your always lying through your teeth, you switch patterns when you breathe. i wont know you more than you know yourself. you gave me butterflies that lived on my insides....

long walks to nowhere.

long talks about nothing.

the feeling you get when you know someone cares about you. 

day dreaming.

car rides.

books about love and lost. 

our hands fitting perfectly into eachothers. 

warm showers. 

latenight phone calls.

tired and sleepless.

falling asleep. 

falling in love.

calm nights.

bond fires. 

songs and smells that remind me of good times in the past. 

standing in long lines at stores just to look through magazines.

Red Lips, Blue Eyes & lil White Lies.

I wish it was easy to just move around and go from place to place. I’m getting so bored of where I live. I don’t feel right being stuck in one awful town every single day. I feel the need to move around and get to see new places. Teleportation please?

I believe that there's hope Buried beneath it all

[This song inspired me, All i see by: Lydia] 

[Cloud nine has never been so high]

I don't know why i am putting this on here.
But right now i don't care.

I know I've made plenty of mistakes,
And I've passed up so many great opportunities.

I need to stop doing that.
I feel like right now is the absolutely best time of my life.
And i need to get rid of those people in my life that are dead weight
And continue to bring me down.

I know everyone goes through this shit,
But i don't give a damn about those other people.
In fact, Whoever reads this shouldn't care unless you know me,
understand me, and/or love me.
I need to clear my life and keep those i feel make a true difference in my life.

I've met some amazing people this past year.
Certain people i really hope i get to know better.
I want those people to know i am so grateful to have met them,
Because without friends,
I honestly don't see a point in even living.

But at the same time there are people I don't want to waste my time with.
I am not the type of person to regret things,
But I have regretted some things..

Over the past year I've felt like I've been over-looking the things i need the most in my life.



I guess the point of this is just to say that right now i feel like I'm heading down the right path.
Even if its not the smooths.
I know where i want to go even if i have to start from the beginning,
And i know who i want to be next to me when i get there,

I know the things I must work on.
The things i must work thriugh
And i will try my best to not be afraid anymore and just go with it.
So I'm okay everybody.
Everything will be okay.

Big Sister

I followed in your foot steps.

You taught me everything i know. 

The one who stood beside me...

You were the one who helped me grow.

But your eyes have grown heavy,

Circles red and dark.

I fear this girl is slowly withering
Hidden beneath secrets kept in the dark.

You used to smile.

You don't seem to be happy much anymore,

I don't mean to pry. 

But i cant stand to see you cry,

And you know im the first one there,
To dry your eyes.

You know i wouldn't cross the line.

But this line has grown fine.

And i wont sit back to have it all fall apart.

I'm not going to watch while this life rips you apart.

Lately you have me worried.

This lifestyle isn't right. 

It just dosen't feel quite right.

You were never one to give up.
Always taking one step forward,
One step further.
You were never one to give in,
Not to anything.

Stand up and fight.
Dont let it take over.
You can get through it....

please i know you can get through it.

And im blue in the face,

But it doesn't seem to change.

Were face to face,
And i still feel miles away.
I'll repeat myself a thousand times,
Just to hope you'll stop being so blind.

Its this wall you built to keep the truth out.

I watch it grow higher while the rest of the world fades out.

And my jumps are growing weaker.
I'm afraid it might be to late.

Content.

You know my style I say any thing to make you smile.

 Im'a sucker for a sweet talker