Let go, Lets go.

  People seem to be leaving my life just as fast as they come into it. I'm known to hold on to what i have and refuse to let go.. At times i find it makes me a vulnerable individual but I'm the kinda person that doesn't give up. If see the good in someone once it will always shine through.. No Matter how rough things get.
  Everyone seems rather boring now a days. i can't seem to find someone that keeps me on my toes. I'd just like to get to know someone who is up for anything, who loves doing ridiculous things and is completely unpredictable. I'd like to meet someone who can teach me things that i never thought i could learn. Show me the world from a new perspective. Be a complete goof ball with me. Create something remarkable with me. 
  I need to be taken away from here and see new things, meet new faces. laugh at new jokes. But I'm afraid to leave behind everything i've grown to love and know. I wish i could take a little part of my past were ever find myself to be, i know that sounds silly, i mean thats what photo's, journals, video's ect are for... But really i want to take a piece of my youth and keep it.. i dont want to grow up.

drowned

I've been finding happiness in drug and alcohol  abuse. what a shame. what a poor excuse of a person.

I walked a fine line to get a straight mind.

But that line was to thin to walk on.

I fell overboard.

I hate feeling alone in a room full of people.

"And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways"


Just go with it and breathe.
It is all going to be okay...

I like how loud the silence is.
I have constant chatter in my head,
Does that make me crazy?..


My dreams lately have been a check list.
A list with goals, dreams and responsibility's ive been putting off.
I'm afraid to grow up.
I don't want to do it wrong. ..

- Charles Bukowski

"I was drawn to all the wrong things: I liked to drink, I was lazy, I didn't have a god, politics, ideas, ideals. I was settled into nothingness; a kind of non-being, and I accepted it. I didn't make for an interesting person. I didn't want to be interesting, it was too hard. What I really wanted was only a soft, hazy space to live in, and to be left alone."
- Charles Bukowski

VOODOO GIRL

She knows she has a curse on her,

Acurse she cannot win.
For if someone gets too close to her,

The pins stick farther in.

- Tim Burton

Six feet under.

harsh hearts.

These are just unsteady thoughts that float around in my head.

Roller coaster emotions,

Thoughts that pass so fast its hard to believe i feel them. 

If you were to come across this please don't take it the wrong way.

This is why i dont share what i write down in books.

My thoughts are changing everyday.

Never a steady decision.

I'm surprised I'm not traumatized by the thoughts my brain develops.

If I was a pirate, I'd sink your ship

say it,

tell me,

be honest.

it all points back to one answer.

But  i rather lie

And avoid the eyes of a lair.

And how you've grown so bitter.

I'll close this door,

Lock it,

And swallow the key.

Let it sink to the bottom of this black sea.

Digest what just happen.

Take a breath

Lets breathe.

i don't want this

i don't want this.

i don't want a you and me.

How am i suppose to breathe, when your holding me underwater

ive lost all sense of who i am
and there is only one person that can find it
i have loved and lost and lost and lost and lost
i am a tearjerker
the one that believes in all those romantic stories
but they never happen to me
the person that tries to live her dreams
but lives in a shell
thats too small for her backbone
i break my bones so i can keep my heart safe
but somehow those hinges have become loose too
i need that stitch, i need that fever
i need someone to save me
i am the only one who knows who that is
its me 

Lets play a game.

this is embarrassing,

i dont even like you.

so why do i still insist on thinking there's more to you?

there isn't

your so sallow i can see right through you.

so weak your screams echo...

Even through silence.

you dont have to speak.

i can see it...

see it in the way you look at me.

at her.

the other one

this one

which one?

that one?

jezz how the hell can you remember their names.

i would be so lost in this game.

It no surprised your going insane,

and this is why you hide from your pain

behind a bottle.

to ashamed to build back the bridges you've burned.

to afraid to face your own battles.

kick me in the stomach to knock the wind out of me once again.

But your the same person to help me to my feet.

stand  up your okay.

were okay.

But im sick of being a pawn in your game.

contently being moved around where you want me.

like im tied to a string.

jokes on me,

once again 

I should take my own advice.

Listen to what i preach.

But i like to build myself up for a fall.

How much higher can we get this wall?

Jump,

Jump,

Jump,

Jump.

Im fucking climbing!

Until it all comes crashing down.

But wait hurry lets put her back together.

just to let her know im here.

You'll always be here locked in my brain

And believe me i can feel the pain.

Your brain freeze in 100 degree weather.

Someone please get me a sweater.

Before i get as cold as you are.

Wrap me up and keep me warm.

Get me out of this snow storm!!

Im tired of the bitterness and being unsure.

Im living in the past i cant believe im back where i started.

it happened so fast.

But who was thinking.

Most the time it was just fun. 

It only starts to pour..

when you decide to run. 

I dont think you can handle my honesty.

Because its not honest at all.

Everyday im faced with a new out look on how im going to knock down my wall.

Just to face another fall.

Why?

Always asking why?

Ive made a list.. wanna see it?

Im sorry.

I love you.

Good bye.

Why.

I call it my bullshit list cause that's all it is..

Nothing but empty words.

meaningless.

Why? Well i'll say goodbye because I love you... Im sorry.

Underwater.

I don't know how to be honest,
And I'm not sure how to spill my guts.

I'm afraid of what i might say because at this point im not sure about us. 

There's to may thoughts piled,
Its hard to get through to them all.
Ive drawn a blank,
stopped in my tracks by this brick wall.
But i find myself here willing to give it a go.

The hate and disrespect is making me forget the really you...

I don't know where to start because there's to many beginnings and ends.
And they all point back to you. 

What do i say at this point to make it sound like im only here as your friend?

Im not..

we can never be just friends.

We've proven that to each other to many times to count. 

But we still insist on walking on these dead grounds.

[But its whatever right, that's all i ever get.
Shut your face...
Don't talk.
Im never going to change.]
I cant believe im back where i started,Why am i here?
And why is this fear taking over me.
Its all so unclear!
 

And all we do is bring drama along with us until we reach the end..

But is it the end?

Can we say goodbye?

I'm so sick of asking myself why...

So tired of all the lies.

I cant handle the frustration...of wondering whats next.

Or having you hit on ever single one of my friends.

I'm done its making me sick in my head,

I cant control the feelings i feel when I'm lying in your bed.
And all i hear is your heart beat pounding in my head.

The rush i get in the deepest part of my chest.

Its like a hole.

Ill tell myself i don't love you,
Mask it from with fear and bitterness.
Its a front and you know it.
But do you want to know it?

I refuse to say it out loud.

So ill keep it locked away and never let it slip out.

Its easier to try and convince myself its not true.

But you can only run from your feelings for so long...

until they creep back up to you.

I'm scared.

I'm scared to let go.
Scared to hold on.

Scared to say no.

I don't want to leave something behind that i already know...

I'm shacking.

Fucking shacking in my bones.
Its 100 digress in my room but you would think i was standing in snow. 

I cant believe I'm actually saying this right now.

But my fingers just want to go.

There's no turning back
Life's written in pen

No regrets right.

then why do i feel this guilt in my stomach.

It feels like a knife...

Its making me sick.

Vomiting just to have the slightest sense of control.

To feel  something more then a fucking black hole.

But it just makes it deeper.

I'm an empty pit.

Nothing left to walk on

I don't exist.